I feel like we are screwed. Open the fortune cookie, read the slip of paper, yep, you’re screwed.
Being selfish: selfish thoughts, selfish feelings, normally I would feel bad about but I don’t. I think there is nothing wrong with being selfish to some extent. You have to be to have any dreams, goals, or plans of your own. As they are your dreams, goals, and plans and no one elses. If we sound selfish here I thinks its understandable. We were just dealt the big screw job of life. Are we the first, no, nor the last, but usually we’re the one making sacrifices with the expectations that it will all be worth it in the end. We watch everyone else heavily in debt, driving 2 new cars every 4 or 5 years, talking about the different trips they take to see the cubs or the Yankees play, or to shop somewhere, or go to vegas (lord knows why they go there), meanwhile we might get a long weekend and spend 1 day at an amusement park or whatever. (and yes, I know this is more than some of my friends get but at the moment I don’t give a flying…)
My wife breaks out in tears and says “Its not fair” and she is right. She especially has made sacrifices: sacrificed a social life in school for her grades, worked hard and long hours for years to become a pediatrician. Yes we have a blessed life but we work for it too; no lucky breaks, no hand-outs, lots of hard word and time invested. We save up money, cut coupons, watch our electric and water usage, make our cars last 10+ years; We make do! With the hopes of coming out the other end on the up side and being able to enjoy life.
And then I had an epiphany. We are in mourning. We have lost the life we expected to have according to my heart. My brain does tell me we will have some exciting new things coming but I just cant pull myself out of the pit.
In my mind I know we are blessed in huge ways more so than some of our family and friends, but I never asked to be taking care of a permanent stay at home child the rest of my life. I read the instruction manual that came with the other 3 and it said to love them unconditionally (check), raise them to be responsible self-reliant human beings (work in progress), let them go out into the world to make something of themselves (one day). That last part may (yes intellectually I realize may) never occur with this 4th child of ours. There never was any question about having it, loving it, or raising it (we have no desire to murder the unborn baby we are expecting) but we just don’t want to have someone to take care of when we are in our 60’s and 70’s and ???.
You haven’t lived till your spouse apologizes in tears for something totally out of their control. My wife blames herself and apologized to me, like it’s her fault. It broke my heart hearing her tell me this. I told her the right things, the truthful things, how it’s not her fault, nothing she can control, how she shouldn’t blame herself, these things just happen, and how much I love her.
I’m not angry now so much as numb. I’m just going through the motions of the day, trying to distract myself; stay busy and keep my mind off of things. For brief moments I forget while watching a new episode of The Guild or Chad Vader, but its short lived. Kind of like being in neutral, watching the world go by, stumbling through others lives but not actually being involved or caring. Go to work, work, go home, eat, play with the kids to keep some normalcy for them, put them to bed, then stay awake till I’m exhausted, go to bed and sleep a few hours. Do it all over again the next day.