The 3 sweetest words ever heard

My wife and I have 3 kids and go out to eat on occasion. A few Sundays ago we went to Jason’s Jelly (my 3 yr old daughter says it this way; actually it’s Jason’s Deli). We went in line ordered our usuals (Cali Club no guac for my wife and Chicken Pesto Panini for me) and 3 kids hot dogs with fruit sides and 1 each of white milk, chocolate milk, and juice box. My 2 oldest kids always come through the line and “help” grab the drinks, napkins, etc. This includes my 5 year old getting the fountain drinks which scares the bageebers out of me. I keep expecting him to drop both glasses of tea on his way back to the table. While there we are ordering our food and my kids always come through the line with me.

The manager took our orders and wrote them with their prices on the slip. Next to the kids’ meals he doesn’t write a price but rather 3 letters, ‘KEF’. I get up to the cashier and ask, ‘What does KEF stand for?” and she says, Kids Eat Free!

Sweet baby Jesus, we actually found a place where kids eat free and we like the food too. Since then Kobe’s Japanese Steak house offers the same thing on Tuesday nights and Boston Market offers it on the weekends (a new thing for them too). We like Kobe’s and will try Boston Market. Both of which we like the food but find them a pit pricey for what you get.

KEF FTW

I missed The second ep of V

At least I hope I missed it and will not be disappointed when I watch it. And when I say missed I mean no dvr of it either. I could swear I had it record it but noooooo the dvr settings were set on correctly by the user and he was taken out and shot.

Update & SPOILER for ep2: I have now watched the second ep. I am glad Wash (Alan Tudyk) is back (for you non-Firefly/Serenity fans that is the FBI partner,Dale Maddox, who was “killed” in the first ep). Alan Tudyk will forever be Wash to my wife and I.

I was not disappointed because I actually found it something I can enjoy. Its not deep mind you but at least it is telling me a story and entertaining me at the same time.

I am looking forward to tonight’s ep.

Exhaustian or Gaming? You decide.

I have been remiss in my blogging and comment response duties. Recently I have found myself either too tired or distracted to even look here. Mostly I am tired.

My wife and I put our kids to bed and lay down in the room for a few minutes till they get settled down. Two fridays ago we apparently both fell asleep in there for 2 hours. The floor is not that comfortable but I was definitely that tired.

Mostly these days I am staying up late to get my oldest son up to go to the bathroom. We are working on the night time potty training and staying up that extra 30-45 minutes is keeping me tired. And although I have considered going to sleep and setting an alarm I find interrupting my sleep is more costly.

And then World of Warcraft grabbed a hold of me and I am back to playing a few different alts and enjoying it. Leveling a shammy, a mage, and a DK is time consuming but I am curtailing my play again to get back in balance.

So, full steam aheld and back on course.

The State of Science Fiction Television Part 1

The sad, sad, sad, sad, sad state of Science Fiction Television.

Most of us think of the scifi channel (SyFy, why try? or is it YyTry) until we find they are showing monster films. Really, more monster films? Announcer voice This week, Attack of the Killer Platypus. Those are not real science fiction, just horror B movie wannabes. BattleStar Galactica was a great miniseries being made into a regular 5 season series and I was hoping going to be a standard in what was to become the future of the scifi channel. Maybe every 5 years would be a new series whether original or a reborn property of some kind.

BSG was a series of stories with an overarching storyline for the series…until that fateful moment about 2+ seasons into a 5 season plan when it became about the characters and not the story.

It seems story is missing from most shows these days but most significantly from science fiction shows. To find some good tv series let’s go back in the way back machine of my youth. Several shows were written in an episodic mode to tell a story and entertain. Shows such as Buck Rogers, any incarnation of star trek, or Babylon 5, and of course Firefly of recent years was another example but was killed too soon to prove it.

Babylon 5 was successful because of the story. Yes like all series there were a few episodes a year that were filler, or character development as they uncovered one character’s past; they didn’t move any plot lines forward but could still be entertaining. After all isn’t it about the entertainment of the viewer and not the single facet of a character.

TV shows which are “about the characters” are soap operas. Not the little story and who cares about the story anyway. Anyone discussing the show which consistently says “and then such-and-such said this or such-and-such did that is telling you about characters (soap opera). If they tell you about something that happened then they are telling you about the story. If I wanted to watch soap operas I could watch something like 90210 (old or apparently new, eww) or the last 3 seasons of BSG (ugh).

And gee I wonder what happened to the other 2 series proposed by the BSG peeps and were even advertised during the last season. They never came to fruition fully. One went straight to video and was the better looking of the two. And where is the other one??? Hopefully roasting in TV hell.

If I want to watch a story, I watch any star trek series, or babylon 5, but is there anything current? Most anything you would point at, Fringe, Heroes, Dollhouse, etc is sci-fi in the minimalist sense in that there is some sci-fi gimmick in the show but the setting is still in the current here-and-now looking world with here-and-now things. Admittedly it is to keep costs down (and yes there may be an allegorical reason too but lets face it lower costs and maximum profit keep the settings very 2009, even Humvees appeared in BSG but could be overlooked given the rest of the settings). Granted Fringe, Dollhouse, and Heroes have good stories in them with the characters being revealed over time through their actions; Very interesting, very entertaining.

The new TV series V is coming out (TONIGHT!). I hope it is good. As a child I enjoyed the original series. It was the only time I ever viewed the series too and while predictable in some spots to a child, it was entertaining for a couple of seasons.

Unfortunately with V we are still in our 2009 world but they do bring alien ships to us and some other things as seen in the previews. The setting will still not be scifi but if they focus on the characters I will not be watching it. This has me a little worried too as one of the actors in an interview said it was “character driven”. I hope that doesn’t translate into the later half of BSG’s “it’s all about the characters”. I want, no demand, to be entertained. Write a good story, get a good cast (there is plenty of talent our there) and throw me a piece of hard (scifi) candy every so often and it will be great series people want to see. If not, then V will be like the rest and jump the shark early.

When it comes to science fiction television for 2009 V is our last best hope.

In Limbo

No not that amazingly simple and fun dancing(?) game.

I’d say these two definitions apply: a region on the border of hell or heaven OR an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place.

The past week or two have felt like normal, kind of. More like normalcy but with that 500 pound gorilla sitting in the family room you don’t want to talk about; can’t talk about. And I only caught my wife crying 2 or 3 times a week and we have been able to discuss a few baby names without either of us getting weepy. Which is a good thing but still puts a quiet moment into our conversations.

I’m back to watching my television shows including a couple of new ones and actually forgetting for a few moments the future, and just relax, live in the present, and disassociate my belief long enough to laugh or get drawn into the story which is refreshing. When I catch myself doing this or realize later I was able to get absorbed into something else I feel a moment of surrealism. Did I really do that? Did things seem to be “normal” again? Its definitely a place somewhere in the deep “between”.

There is a roller-coaster of emotion and it is exhausting. Being very low for a while and then later “just fine” or even bouncing up to laugh at something funny. Of course I am also pushing myself to learn what I can at my own pace about DS. Slowly educating myself and taking on as much as I can handle emotionally. For instance I finally finished watching the siblings video at Gigi’s Playhouse after 3 earlier attempts. It was like getting a small glimpse at how our child’s older siblings might turn out and was a real tear jerker for me. Its worth watching but wear a poncho and bring some tissues.

Next I need to move onto seeing what services and help is available here in our county and begin getting our ducks in a row. Only 3 months till the due date.

Was there ever a choice?

Really?

Was there?

Ever?

No, not really. Abortion was never an option for us; having our child was the only option. Several people mentioned abortion to us. The doctor brought it up not as a suggestion but as an option. We had already had that conversation with him and told him we would keep the baby no matter what but I know he had to say it.

We had “the” discussion and it lasted maybe 4 minutes and only occurred a day or 2 after getting the results of our amnio. I know I couldn’t do it and ever forgive myself. I couldn’t murder the innocent life that was a part of my life already and said as much. My wife said there was no way she could live with that decision either. The guilt and the remorse would have been too much for me I think. It may appear to make life easier but in the long run it wouldn’t. You get your life back without the future worry, but do you really?

I am not making this decision because of my religious beliefs but because of my personal beliefs although it happens to coincide with them. I believe a decision like this is very personal.

It is something one has to make on their own for their own reasons albeit in this case there were 2 of us but acting as one. And although I may not agree with someone else choosing to abort I can respect their decision. It would be theirs to make and who am I to judge. And in this case it is our decision to make.

It was a decision I made before we knew if we had a Trisome baby or which Trisome we had. The thought ran through my head, I started to think how “easy” it will make things, and then I looked in my own heart and just knew.

Our child’s name

Our other kids have 2 syllables in their first name and we were going to stick with that rule for a naming convention. However today I thought of the idea of adding an extra syllable for this one, to go with the extra chromosome. It made my wife smirk which was worth it. She mentioned the name Sheridan, and I told her I always liked the name Evelyn. Anyone have some other ideas?

Oh and it needs to end with an N.

Yesterday’s Checkup

Good News: We went for a “Targeted Level 2 Sonogram plus an Echo Cardiogram” yesterday. The baby is growing correctly, everything is there that should be and it charts in the correct ranges. The Echo Cardiogram showed the baby’s heart is fine and healthy. We will go for our next checkup after Thanksgiving. The best is the news about the heart. Of course with a Down child there can still be heart issues detected after birth but this is a good sign that anything detected after birth will not be a major issue.

And then a bad case of the mopes

Sometime last Monday morning a heavy sadness settled in on me. Just couldn’t dig myself out and didn’t really want to. I was sad and moping about and just wanted to stay there. Sometimes you have to.

I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself, just feeling sad. Not sad enough to cry but wishing I could just to get some of it out.

That Tuesday I went to lunch with a friend and usually he and I talk about computer gaming, or movies, or books, and always World of Warcraft. After lunch I am usually in a good mood but not this time. I am not sure I even added much to the conversations we had and I am sure anything I “added” was very disjointed (much like my blogging).

It was Thursday before I pulled out of it and returned to more of my normal self with a wider range of emotions and occasionally forgetting about myself and how I feel and instead just enjoying time with the kids or actually being pulled into some tv show or movie.

I feel like this is the way things will be for the time being. Bouncing around emotionally but mostly on the lower end of the scale.

People ask my wife about the pregnancy (mostly her patients) and seem to always ask, “Are you excited?” to which she politely answers, “Yes”, admittedly in a not very excited way. I’m glad no one asks me; I am not as excited this time as the other three. I want to be excited but its like winning a race where earlier in the race during a gruesome accident earlier in the race your close friend and fellow racer was killed. It kind of steals the thunder away of any enjoyment you might get. I don’t feel it is fair to the baby not to be excited; it is special and unique to us and a blessing. And yes I have read and heard from people how angelic a Down child is and look forward to that, but with trepidation not excitement.

We love this baby; no questioning that. And every day before I leave for work I kiss my wife goodbye, place my hand on her tummy and tell the baby “Be good to your mommy”. Its the same thing I’ve told all of them before they were born as I walked out the door.

I want to feel excited and be the proud father. I’m not ashamed but jsut can’t feel good knowing what I know.

This afternoon I am slipping back into this sadness.

Devastation -> Anger -> Numbness part 2

I feel like we are screwed. Open the fortune cookie, read the slip of paper, yep, you’re screwed.

Being selfish: selfish thoughts, selfish feelings, normally I would feel bad about but I don’t. I think there is nothing wrong with being selfish to some extent. You have to be to have any dreams, goals, or plans of your own. As they are your dreams, goals, and plans and no one elses. If we sound selfish here I thinks its understandable. We were just dealt the big screw job of life. Are we the first, no, nor the last, but usually we’re the one making sacrifices with the expectations that it will all be worth it in the end. We watch everyone else heavily in debt, driving 2 new cars every 4 or 5 years, talking about the different trips they take to see the cubs or the Yankees play, or to shop somewhere, or go to vegas (lord knows why they go there), meanwhile we might get a long weekend and spend 1 day at an amusement park or whatever. (and yes, I know this is more than some of my friends get but at the moment I don’t give a flying…)

My wife breaks out in tears and says “Its not fair” and she is right. She especially has made sacrifices: sacrificed a social life in school for her grades, worked hard and long hours for years to become a pediatrician. Yes we have a blessed life but we work for it too; no lucky breaks, no hand-outs, lots of hard word and time invested. We save up money, cut coupons, watch our electric and water usage, make our cars last 10+ years; We make do! With the hopes of coming out the other end on the up side and being able to enjoy life.

And then I had an epiphany. We are in mourning. We have lost the life we expected to have according to my heart. My brain does tell me we will have some exciting new things coming but I just cant pull myself out of the pit.

In my mind I know we are blessed in huge ways more so than some of our family and friends, but I never asked to be taking care of a permanent stay at home child the rest of my life. I read the instruction manual that came with the other 3 and it said to love them unconditionally (check), raise them to be responsible self-reliant human beings (work in progress), let them go out into the world to make something of themselves (one day). That last part may (yes intellectually I realize may) never occur with this 4th child of ours. There never was any question about having it, loving it, or raising it (we have no desire to murder the unborn baby we are expecting) but we just don’t want to have someone to take care of when we are in our 60’s and 70’s and ???.

You haven’t lived till your spouse apologizes in tears for something totally out of their control. My wife blames herself and apologized to me, like it’s her fault. It broke my heart hearing her tell me this. I told her the right things, the truthful things, how it’s not her fault, nothing she can control, how she shouldn’t blame herself, these things just happen, and how much I love her.

I’m not angry now so much as numb. I’m just going through the motions of the day, trying to distract myself; stay busy and keep my mind off of things. For brief moments I forget while watching a new episode of The Guild or Chad Vader, but its short lived. Kind of like being in neutral, watching the world go by, stumbling through others lives but not actually being involved or caring. Go to work, work, go home, eat, play with the kids to keep some normalcy for them, put them to bed, then stay awake till I’m exhausted, go to bed and sleep a few hours. Do it all over again the next day.